i walk through door after D1's mum comes to open it for me. mum and i stand at door chatting. D1 is playing his "computer" thing on his tv in the living room. D1 comes to door, looks at me and goes: "its rachael!", and runs back into the living room. D1 comes out 5 seconds later and (to my super big surprise), jumps on me and gives me this massive hug. i look at him and go: "oooh i get cuddles hey!!" mum looks at me and goes: "yeah he's been asking for you! and S (one of his other therapists).
sometime during our 2-hour session, D1 also climbed on his mother (as he always does) and told her: "i love rachael". mum looks at me and goes: "did you hear that?" me: "no, what did he say?" mum: "he said i love rachael!"
this is a kid who used to scream and cry when asked to come into sessions, and who still hits other therapists.
FRIDAY (after not having seen M for 1.5 weeks. note i normally see these kids twice a week).
half way through the session, M grabs my arm and gives me a hug.
later, he tries to sit on my lap and hug me.
on a different note, us therapists usually talk to our kids in this particularly high-pitched and excited voice, and one of the words we always always say is "hey" after a sentence. like "i havent seen you in a while, hey?"
today i said something to M, but i didnt finish with a "hey". to his mum's and my utter surprise, after i finished my sentence, M looked at me and went, in this really high pitched voice, HEY?
mum and i laughed like mad.
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yesterday i asked one of my case managers, whose been doing this job for about 3.5 years now, whether she loved her job.
and she replied, "it has its moments!" (as in its really good usually but sometimes you want to kill yourself).
those of you who have been "fortunate" enough to be around me when any sort of vehicle (car, bike etc) speeds by, will be familiar with the words "i hope that stupid person driving that *whatever it is that sped by at that time* crashes into a tree and dies before they hit someone else and kill them" that come out of my mouth almost instantaneously.
as horrible as that might sound, ive never stopped myself from saying it (coz they, after all, just words, and) because people like that really deserve to die for putting other people's lives at risk.
today i finally felt justified in saying the abovementioned phrase the however many times ive said it before.
2 innocent lives lost - 1 because the person is no longer alive, and the other because of both physical injuries, as well as having to live a life which can never again involve the person she loved and still loves.
if you drive a sports car and feel the stupid, impulsive, or even persistant need to race and prove your superiority or whatever it is you are trying to prove, i really really hope you die.
because if its not you, it will be another innocent person.
someone just driving home, minding their own business...
someone whose mother now has to live without her son, whose siblings now have to live without their brother, whose girlfriend has to live without what could've possibly been the one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, whose friends now have one less person to enjoy their life with.
love the one's you're with. and love them, like you wont live to see tomorrow.
because you might not.
and the next time you want to speed, think of whose someone you might just possibly take away.
so i got a pay raise today. not that much, but still, better than nothing right?
had the chat with my boss today about my assessment last week. nothing new, nothing my case manager who did the assessment hadnt already told me the day she did the assessment.
this saturday, monday and tuesday, i will be at case manager training, from 9am to 4pm.
why the hell my boss wants me to go for this, i HONESTLY have no fuckin idea.
i will be in a room with 3 already long-qualified case managers, and 3 advanced therapists who have been with the company from anywhere between 2 and 4 years.
and then there's me. who only just joined in february of THIS YEAR.
i dont want people to hate me lah. like seriously, what will they think? ive just been assessed by one of my CM's, and my other CM has been helping me with my really difficult child.
AND NOW IM GONNA BE SITTIN IN THE SAME ROOM AS THEM, TRAINING TO DO WHAT THEY TOOK YEARS TO LEARN? i honestly dunno what my boss is thinking.
and then i found out, that within the year, we'll be having another 3 of these assessments.
and then, my boss said, after those 3, she looks at promoting people to advanced therapist the next year after that. but for me she will prolly do it straight away after the 3rd one.
SO IM NOT GONNA BE CM ANYTIME SOON LAH!!!! (which is good, btw. i dont think i can handle anymore stress). THEN WHY AM I GOING FOR THIS TRAINING NOW?!!?! omgomgomgomgomgomg.
anyway so i had to tell D1's mother (read previous posts if you dunno who i am talking about) today, that i cant do my session with D1 on monday coz i'll be at training. and she asked what training?
so i said uh case manager thing with V (my boss). and i think she was more excited than me lah.
she said she wasnt surprised, she thought i worked really well with D1, i have a lot of positive energy (whatever that is), and that she is very happy with me working with D1 coz she always sees him having fun with me during sessions (she sometimes sits in our sessions to watch =/).
i guess thats a good thing. its always easier when the parents think well of you.
----------------------------
argh. difficult kid again tomorrow. wonder what'll happen. biting, screaming, pinching, head-banging, crying? the whole lot?
how the fuck i am going to get him to work if he has a fit tomorrow, is beyond me.
and i wonder why i havent slept well since i started this job.
i havent got a title or a tune yet, but here's the second song ive ever written in my life. usually its just poems.
i'll upload a video as soon as i get it all done.
anyone have suggestions?
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There was never a time, That there was a me, That there was a me that I couldn’t see. There was never a time, That I thought I would be, That I thought I would be all I didn’t want to be.
But then I met you, And I did all these things, Things I never would do. And now that we’re through, I don’t know why, Or how I even thought it’d work if I just tried …
But now I finally see, I finally see why it is we could never be. It took me all that time with you, To see what I really needed to do. And now I’m finally letting go, And believe me boy, Now I know, yes now I know.
Those things that you did, The way you would scream, How you’d disappear alone, without me. I just shut my eyes, I didn’t want to know, What I already knew, that you would eventually go.
Put on quite a show, And when the curtains closed, I was finally that girl, who finally had it happen to her. You were the actor, I was the clown, And when you’d finished, Neither of us turned around.
But I finally see, I now finally see why it is we could never be. It took me all that time with you, To see what I really needed to do. And now I’m finally letting go, And believe me boy, Now I know, yes now I know.
I’m not glad it happened, No, not at all. But I’m so lucky it ended, Before you dragged me all the way down. And now I smile, Happy I stood my ground, And I believe I’m the luckiest clown, Coz now look what I’ve found.
And so I finally see, I now finally see why it is we could never be. It took me all that time with you, To see what I really needed to do. And now I’m finally letting go, And believe me boy, Now I know, yes now I know.
Its coz there was always something better out there just waiting for me.
i took the venus conspiracy outta my bookshelf coz i wanted to read it again, having not read it since the first time like maybe 2 years ago, and felt the urge to google the author.
*post for yesterday. coz my internet decided to screw up after i finished typing this post. dad only just helped me fix the connection. =)*
the boy and i watched the entire season of the hills tonight. it prolly wasnt THAT big a feat, considering the whole season only comprised of 10 episodes, each running for 22-25 mins.
anyway. i find it rather amusing (okok, pathetic OK) that i actually felt sad when the stupid characters broke up, and i actually teared.
i dont think the boy noticed. but anyway.
i never used to cry watchin movies or whatever, and my conclusion as to why, is that as you grow older, you inevitably experience more of the events that occur in shows, like deaths, breakups, moving away, marriages, births, graduations etc etc, and so you come to identify more with these events, consequently causing (or allowing?) you to feel more when you watch on-screen characters go through these events.
so anyway. nowadays the theme for my "upsetness" during movies seems to be the thought of the boy and i breaking up =/ super lameness methinks.
which brings me to the next "topic" of this post.
the boy and i have booked our tickets for going to singapore, get this, NEXT MARCH. YES. like 2010. it was just march 2009 like 2 months ago.
theres this sale (well until this monday there is anyway) that jetstar is offering, for its 5th birthday or something something. fly in a pair and get these ridiculously cheap fares.
the BOTH of us are flying, TO singapore and BACK to perth, for 406$AUD all up. including taxes and 20kg baggage allowance each.
SHIOK RIGHT?
so, we have plans for like a year's time. which means...
wow. a long term relationship. or a plan to have one anyway.
will life go according to planned this time?
-----------------------------
finally got my 3month therapist assessment over with today. it went pretty well i must say. thank goodness my kid behaved!
got some good feeback and constructive criticism from my case manager who did the assessing, and i have a meeting with the boss on weds to discuss uh, more i guess.
ive had 2 case managers watch my sessions this week with 2 different kids =/
-----------------------------
D2's mum gave me another bottle of moscato today! this time white.
was talking to her today after the session, and i said thanks for the wine last week. and she asked which one i took, and i said the rosa moscato. and then she asked if ive tried the white one. and i said i dont think so.
next thing i know she's going through her pantry, and she pulls out this bottle of wine and tells me to take it and try.
obviously i say no. and i refused PROFUSELY. but she stuffed it in my bag!!!
then at the end when my case manager and i were leaving, D2's mum and my CM were at the door, and i walked up after coz i was talking to my kid in the kitchen where his mum gave me the wine before walking to the door.
his mum looked at me when i got to the door and went "RACHAEL, DID YOU TAKE YOUR STUFF? YOU DIDNT PUT IT BACK DID YOU?!"
i was like uh nononono. its here. i took it i promise.
today, like the last 3 times ive been to their house, D1's mum fed me after i finished my session with him.
today it was cheesecake (home-made, as always).
FRICKIN NICE LAH OMG. she used arnotts biscuits as the base, as well as on the top, so it was very much a cheescake sandwich!
and then, after my session at D2's house, his dad came into the therapy room while i was writing up, and told me that when i finished writing, i had to go out to the kitchen and choose a bottle of wine.
i was like HUHHH? (seriously, i was like HUHHHHHHH??) and he said that his D2's mum had been meaning to give me a bottle for a while now but she kept forgetting (she had just gone out, and obviously forgotten to give it to me again! so she rung back like 10mins after she left to tell her husband to give it to me lol). and i was like but why are you giving me wine?
and he said it was coz she felt bad, coz a few times they'd gone out and then came back late so i had to stay back like 10mins coz i couldnt leave D2 alone in the house.
i was like omggggg its fineeeeeeeeeeeee its not a big deal. but then he said that she said if i didnt take it she'd be offended. -_- how to dont take like that you tell me?
so anyway i said i dunno anything about wine so can he please just pick one for me. then he said he also knows nuts about wine lah!
2 idiots who know nothing about wine, 1 idiot trying to give another idiot! lol.
anyway so i went out, and lo and behold, so lucky.
there was a bottle of moscato to be picked out of the 3 bottles that he showed me!
moscato is the only wine i drink (because its sweet and doesnt taste like alcohol!) ... and i only ever drink 1 brand, and although this one wasnt that brand, i still think it was pretty damn uncanny lah.
so yeah i now have a bottle of moscato sitting on my table.
sighhh. i have my assessment review thing with D2 on fri with my case manager. and i had a pretty bad session with him today =(
i hope he isnt like this on friday if not im dead!!!
because i am damn tired from having hardly slept despite being in bed for about 10 hours (last night plus this afternoon inclusive),
but one of the things i was going to quickly blog about was how often things (humans, animals) seem to just luv running in front of my car,
and when the 19203849th cat ran across the road in front of my car just now (and i woulda killed it if i hadnt been prepared for something to run across sometime during my journey home),
i decided i must blog.
so.
1) things do really seem to lurveeee runnin in front of my car. it doesnt matter if its dumbass drunkards, stupid (excuse me but this is true) aboriginials who think they own the whole of australia and everything in it so they can do whatever they want whenever they want, working-class supposedly smart shirt and tie adults in the CBD, or obviously brainless animals.
even my sister came to realize that after she had the second scream in my car when the second cat ran in front of me while she was in the passenger's seat.
like wtf seriously. sometimes i wonder if they do it on purpose. like hey its an r34 lets try get hit by it.
2) i havent slept more than 3 hours in the last 24 or so hours and so i am almost dying. on the way to the boy's house after finishing at my last kid's house, i saw a big flashing sign that said "driving tired can kill".
i thought it was rather funny.
3) today when i arrived at my 330pm kid's house, i turned to park on the lawn outside their house where i have been parking for the last 2 months or so.
this stupid ass primary school kid who was walking home from school on the sidewalk next to the lawn, thought i was gonna run him over or something. so he yelled "fuck you" at me.
anwyay for those of you who already know, good, but for the sake of those who dont, i ALWAYS ignore unwanted attention.
and ive learnt to do it even more so since i got my first car. so i pretended i didnt hear him and continued parking.
then he came up to my side and went "excuse me" so i wound down my window and went "yeahhh?"
and he told me NOT TO PARK ON THE LAWN COZ I WILL DAMAGE IT!!!!!! i wanted to shoot the lil fucker in the head!!!!!!!
anyway in my head i was thinking uh i come here to provide therapy to an autistic kid, and i park here twice a week, and so do the 4 other therapists who work with this child, AND HIS GRANDFATHER when he comes over.
but obviously this kid was a dumbass dipshit lah, so i couldnt say that to him. so i just said "THIS IS MY HOUSE". ahahhahahaha.
then he went "well im just saying. you will damage the lawn". and i was like "yeah thats fine thank you very much".
4) mmm my 330pm kid's mum said something really nice to me today. she's the parent i spend the most time talking to, so im always late leaving their place.
but anyway she asked if i had anything planned for the weekend, and then asked if i was still studying.
so i said i graduated last year, and that i will prolly do my masters soon, seeing how this job goes.
then she asked if i was doing it full time, and i said yes i have about 6 kids.
she was like oh wow 6 kids? and then she asked if i was gonna go for case manager.
and i said uh yeah im going for training this month (how good a move that was im not sure, but i wasnt sure how good lying was either).
and she said like she was thinking before that i could be a potential candidate for case manager coz i always seem to know what im doing!
she said some other things but now i cant remember.
i told her im just good at pretending i know what im doing. which is half true.
mm i was hired on the 1st of feb. so its been 3 months now ive had this job.
time fucking flies, and now they're organizing for the batch of us who "just" joined to have our assessments. basically your case manager goes in and watches you conduct your session with a kid and uh, assesses you lah.
im fuckin stressed outta my mind.
5) mm yesterday one of my kids poo-ed in his diapers (thank shit the mother put on diapers. dunno why she did coz she never usually does but thank shit. no pun intended), and i had to take it off. lucky the mother came to wipe his ass.
today my another kid asked to go to toilet. and also poo-ed. and i had to wipe his ass. im not sure i did it very well though.
what is up with all my kids wanting to poo in the same week!! up until yesterday ive never had anyone poo yet!!!
oh yar and then while the mum of yesterday's kid was wiping his ass, she asked me to hold his baby brother, and the baby puked on me.
raE: cant seem to fall asleep within 2 hours of hitting the pillow, and stay asleep for 2 hours after falling asleep.
get a life.
raE's random (maybe intelligent) thought/quote for the day
Every individual acts and suffers in accordance with his peculiar teleology, which has all the inevitability of fate, so long as he does not understand it.
-Alfred Adler-
holler, yo//
is reading//
complete notes from singapore: the omnibus edition - neil humphreys
is listening//
backstreet boys: if i knew then
jay sean ft. lil wayne: down
is lusting//
[a balenciaga city bag] [a certain mr lecturer] [that tiffany bracelet - CHECK!] [a gt wing for trent] [a yale scholorship]
is being//
+ arrogant
+ short
+ too fat
+ an amazin singer
+ broke
+ intelligent
+ lookin too young
+ hungry
+ an excellent english speaker
+ a terrible chinese speaker
Every individual acts and suffers in accordance with his peculiar teleology,